


Disappointment

by ninaloveshiddles



Category: Original Work
Genre: Diary/Journal, Disappointment, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Musing, Real Life, creative writing, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 18:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5015149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninaloveshiddles/pseuds/ninaloveshiddles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Original writing about the feelings you are faced with when you let a loved one down. The guilt and the disappointment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disappointment

You know that feeling you get when you’ve really fucked up? Not the kind of fucked up where you get a speeding ticket or a fender bender. Not the feeling of panic when you forget a deadline or space on an important event. I’m talking about the feeling that makes your stomach hurt. That dark cloud that invades you; squelches your appetite and makes you beg for the sun to shine. That feeling when you really let someone down. Not an acquaintance or a stranger. A person that actually matters to you. The one person that you should never hurt. They say that if someone says you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. No matter how badly you want to eliminate all signs that point to you as being the source for someone’s sadness. You can’t rush them, you can’t make it better; you just have to wait in solitude till they decide whether or not to forgive you. But it’s not a patient wait. It’s not quiet or serine. It’s an agonizing suffering as the parasite of guilt and anxiety eat away at you till you are left a shell of what once was happy and normal. The only thing that can restore you is them; or in worse cases, time.

You want to shout from the rooftops your love, your devotion; but they can’t hear you over the cacophony of your betrayal; whether it’s reality or merely perceived as so. It doesn’t matter; this person is still hurting.

I always thought of trust as something easy to build. A personal fallacy of mine is that I trust all too easily and give it willingly. I take it for granted. What I’ve never experienced is when that trust, a circle, a cycle of endless give and take and effort, is shaken. Sometimes it’s broken, sometimes bent, sometimes it’s even shattered beyond all recognition. But regardless of the extent of the damage, that circle will never be quite perfect again. You can adjust it in hopes that it is malleable enough, that the relationship is salvageable because both parties decide it is worth saving. But sometimes it’s damaged beyond repair. The hard part is waiting to discover what kind of damage you caused. Not them, not some outside force, just you. And you are left to your own devices of how the hell to make everything better: and sometimes you inevitably fail.

You try not to be desperate, you try not to be mad. Most of all you struggle not to be offended that they don’t decide to grant you forgiveness right away. You stew in your feelings, which you will not admit is just self-loathing and self-pity combined to make an awful atmosphere, toxic to breathe, and not beneficial to anyone. Sometimes you cry, uncertain of whether it’s for you or them, but the tears flow regardless.


End file.
